A Tour of College

The Student Health Center

2011-01-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the SHC, a place you will likely make your second home your freshman year as your body adjusts to the horrors of communal living and binge drinking.

Your Privacy Matters

Unless you are in dire need of stomach pumping after a night out on the town, when you are admitted you will likely be taken to a giant room with twenty other sick people. Apparently this fine institution's idea of privacy consists solely of cots separated by curtains, which they believe to be both soundproof and germ-retardant. Enjoy listening to your neighbor Mr. Influenza cough up a lung, and just hope to God that shit doesn't get over here. Then after that, you get to overhear the mystery lady on your left explain to the doctor how she twisted her ankle in a storm drain at 2:30am last night while running in heels. Daddy would proud.

Coverage You Can Count On

After one of the culinary specialists at the cafeteria taints your food and you finish receiving two IVs and crying in the nurse's bosom to please stop the diarrhea, all is finally well. But ten days later your parents will receive a bill for $350 and call you to inquire, "What the hell do I pay health fees for each semester?"

Turns out everything except the most routine of check-ups costs more. Need to see a specialist? Extra. Want to know if your significant other gave you strep throat? Extra. Need a sling for that arm you hurt in pickup basketball? Extra.

Services for the Sexually Active

You met a cute girl and are totally losing the v-card. In preparation for the exciting evening, you realize that you don't have any condoms. After going to the campus store and deciding not to get screwed out of $7.99 for a 3-pack of Trojans, you suddenly remember freshman orientation when the peer leader embarrassed you in front of your mom by pointing out the free rubbers that they hand out like candy.

So you saunter over to the SHC and boldly ask the receptionist with a picture of baby Jesus on her desk where they keep the free condoms. With a look of contempt, she tells your heathen ass that they're on the third floor. After you pick up a packet with the stapled-on pamphlet that reminds you 25% of girls ages 18-25 have an STD, you leave.

Flash forward to 11pm. Wow, either sex is one big scam or these condoms were made of used tires. This is like wearing a freakin' raincoat. The remaining SHC condoms end up as water balloons to throw at your roommate, and the next time your girl comes over you're just gonna splurge on a big box of Durex Ultra Thins.

Off-campus: Themed House Parties

2010-12-07T04:00:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time at a party in some college town, some kids were sitting around the keg and thinking. They decided that while this beer tasted good, and the music was nice, what would make this party a million times better is... costumes.

You login to Facebook one afternoon and see five event invitations. After declining to attend to the Autism Awareness 5k Fun Run and an Investment Club Social, you find invites to three house parties, each with a different theme.

Toga Party

Ever since you were ten, the media has told you that college is going to be off-the-chain awesome all the time. They even made a movie about it called Animal House. Besides littering dorm rooms nationwide with posters of ugly-as-sin Jim Belushi, this cinematic masterpiece gave us the toga party.

How amazingly original, you think upon reading the invite, but after looking at the guest list you notice half your friends and that one hot girl from sociology class are going. You then realize that none of your sheets are white. You don't feel like going to campus bookstore and pissing away $49.99 on another set of extra long sheets for your dorm bed just so you can go to a toga party. What else can work?

After some hard work and ingenuity, you arrive at the party. Everyone is looking at you, possibly because using some safety pins, you managed to MacGyver a white bath towel and two white sleeping shirts into a toga. And you looking absolutely ridiculous.

Naughty Office Party

Also known as a "CEOs and corporate hoes" party, this theme is particularly popular with business students and other professional majors. This party exists for one reason, and one reason only: to give guys opportunity to try and fulfill every office-porno fantasy ever. One girl will clearly outdo them all when she arrives in nothing but jaw-dropping black panties, a suit jacket, and black pantyhose.

Gentlemen will be expected to wear shirts and ties, or in some cases, a suit. You will party hard, of course, and some time around your fourth shot you will forget you are wearing a suit. You will only remember this fact the next day when you receive your dry cleaning bill thanks to all of the spilled beer and chip dip. And did some asshole burn a hole in your jacket with a cigarette?!

Stoplight Party

Your final invite is for a stoplight party. Your host explains that you are to wear a piece of clothing in one of three color choices: green if you are single, yellow if it's complicated, and red if you are taken. You will likely think to yourself, what better opportunity than this exists to mix alcohol and social humiliation?

You are obviously very single, but don't rush for your green shirt just yet. If you wear green, everyone will think you are a desperate loser who can't get a date. If you wear red, not only are you full of it, you might miss out on the fun. Yellow could work, but that's still bullshitting it. Against your better judgment, you decide to be honest and don your green shirt.

Lo and behold, at the party almost no one is wearing green. Awesome, now you look like a total tool. Either everyone but you is getting it, or this party is full of liars. You start for the keg, but then turn to flee when you notice a girl with the face of a troll is already there filling her cup. Run faster, maybe she didn't- awww no, it's too late. She's noticed you, and guess what- she's wearing GREEN.

After you peel yourself away from that awkward conversation, you head for the kitchen. In there, a bunch of girls in yellow are swooning over some dickwad wearing a red Chicago Bulls jacket, who smirks triumphantly in your direction. They're obviously thinking that he must be taken for a good reason, and that you must be single for a different, but equally good reason. Hiding your jealousy, you go to the living room where you notice a girl in red sitting on her boyfriend's lap, and all the time she's definitely giving you the look- you know the one that says "don't you wish you could have this" along with a coy smile.

Reminder: A good party shouldn't even need a premise in the first place, and there are always plenty of those to bounce to if you ever find yourself in one you don't want to be in.

The Gym

2010-11-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

Your university likely spent a lot of effort advertising their fitness facilities during applications, and reinforced its features at summer orientation. In fact, those bastards did such a good job marketing it that the packed gym puts the streets of Tokyo to shame.

It really doesn't matter when you go either. At opening time there's the obnoxious morning freaks ready for their daily 5-mile run, followed by the in-between classes people all day. At 5 pm the massive glut begins; you might even see your Western Civ professor in there trying to do some lats. Then in the evening, the bros come out to get their curl on so they can look jacked before they depart to the bars.

The racquetball courts are all three-days deep in call ahead reservations. The martial arts room is being used by nerds slapping each other with kendo sticks while pretending they are samurai. And the indoor pool is always occupied by the swim team, then water polo, then underwater-freaking-aerobics class.

Pink 5 lb Dumbbells

The cardio room at your gym will be nearly exclusively populated by girls, because cardio is like poison to meatheads. If you are a guy, enjoy the visual feast of girls in their skin tight leggings. They wear them because they want you to notice. If you are a girl, prepare to be ogled and hit on, even when you're on the treadmill. If you wanted to be left alone so you could focus on your workout, then you shouldn't have worn booty shorts and went on the leg curl machine.

Should you ladies decide for some reason that you want to attend one of those fad-of-the-month exercise classes, you will likely have to go to gym at 7am to sign up for a space ticket, then get there an hour before the class starts to get the ticket that allows you to stand in line for the class. You might still not get in. If this reminds you of rationing in Cold War-era Russia, this is natural.

"Bitches Dig teh Biceps, Broseph"

When you decide to venture over to the free weights, prepare for an ocular assault of deformed meatheads with chicken legs and arms that look like they have side jobs smuggling fruit in their biceps.

You will have to wait patiently for Mr. Beta Pi to bench press 175 pounds while lifting his ass two feet in the air and bouncing the bar off his chest like a trampoline. Then, he will proceed to do curls in the squat rack for no apparent reason. All while wearing a shirt that advertises some shitty Woodser his frat put together and that has the sleeves cut down to his belt line so you can see his armpit hair.

For the uninitiated, the following topics of conversation are acceptable among college males at the gym: protein shakes, UFC, and how many PBRs you downed last night.

Despite all of the challenges presented above, a wise and patient student will still go to the gym. After all, your fat ass has to work off all the empty calories from your twice-weekly alcohol binge.

News Update: Students Rave Over New Call of Duty Game

2010-11-11T19:57:00.000-05:00

Walmarts and Best Buys around the nation saw record numbers of college students lining up to purchase the latest must-have video game, Call of Duty: Medieval Warfare.

Players take the role of noble knights and peasant rabble wielding low-tech weapons such as spears and crossbows in Capture the Princess, Search and Crucify, and other exciting gameplay modes.

"Bro, I love the broadsword- it's so awesome when you can take some dude's head off in one blow", said Brock Miller of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Miller and his friends had been lined up outside the local EB Games since 10am Tuesday, sustained by a supply of Red Bull and beef jerky.

The popular kill streak bonuses return in this latest installment. For example, 3 kills launches a scout from a catapult who screams out enemy positions before he slams into the side of a hill, and 5 kills allows the player to call in a storm of arrows from off-screen.

CoD: Medieval Warfare has drawn considerable criticism from politicians and media watchdog groups, none of whom have actually played the game. Much of the criticism was due to a level where the player takes control of a Viking raider who participates in the massacre and rape of a peaceful French hamlet. Developer Infinity Ward commented, "We were simply trying to convey that the medieval world was a violent place. We're confident that gamers will not grow red beards, carry battle axes, and proceed to violate the hot girl next door after playing our game." Their statement also said that an option to skip this scene is available for certain players that one IW programmer called, "lemon-scented liberal pussies".

The game received high scores across the board from gaming magazines and websites. In its review, Gamespot awarded Medieval Warfare a perfect 10.0 and wrote, "The extreme hype prefacing this game had nothing to do with our score. Even though the single-player game lasts a record-low 2.5 hours, the realistic graphics alone make it worth the $59.99."

The primary draw of Medieval Warfare is the burgeoning online multiplayer experience. Will Johnson of Ithaca, NY said, "I use the Jihad perk which gives me extra health and all the noobs whine about it. God I love pwning 12 year-olds on Xbox Live." Some complained about the lack of balance, as the crossbow allowed inexperienced players to kill hardcore paladin knights in one shot. Apparently these people have never heard of Richard the Lionhearted.

Despite gameplay issues and the controversy, Medieval Warfare has already sold 500,000 copies and is expected to sell a billion more by the end of the year, single-handedly ending the recession.

Greek Row

2010-01-05T18:19:00.000-05:00

Because university students back in the day were all upper-class white people, they had to develop a way to separate the “cool kids" from everyone else. Thus Greek organizations were born, and this completely arbitrary form of segregation continues to present day.

Brotherhood, Sisterhood

Congratulations on getting into State University, Brett Thurgood III. Since you’re a legacy admit, grandpa expects you to join the fraternity he was a member of in 1926 and carry on the family tradition of paddling other men and being hammered six days out of the week.

Frats are famous for hosting some seriously kickass keggers at the house. But before you get excited, if you're not Greek or you don't have a vagina, you're not invited.

In addition to parties, Greeks are fond of hosting philanthropy events in an attempt to convince their parents and the administration that they do something other than get smashed. While certainly noble in theory, one has to question events like smashing watermelons to raise money for a local food bank. The brothers of Lambda Chi were likely passed out and thus failed to notice the irony.

If you’re a girl and think you’re hot, you will want to pledge a sorority. Nothing says “you can’t have this” to guys, and “I’m better than you” to other girls quite like stamping three Greek letters to your shirt, bag, and hat.

Greeks dominate the politics of most universities, largely due to the fact that they are the only students who care enough to vote in elections. Your student government can claim that they represent the student body, but the senate will be 90 percent Greek even though Greeks only make up 15 percent of the school. Fearing social pariah status among their peers, Greek senators will vote in a giant bloc strictly along party lines, a practice they will carry forward when they graduate and actually become Republican politicians.

Tradition

Greek organizations are widely known as the precursors for admittance to shadow groups like Skull & Bones and the Illuminati. Thus, they naturally have secret rituals that one who is not a member can only guess wildly about.

Why are the Betas taking their pledges to a roadside ditch 20 miles outside of town? And what the hell are the brothers of SAE doing when they hold hands around their lion statue at 7am on a Sunday morning? If you are thinking about pledging, note that you will be asked to leave if you can’t keep a straight face when the elders of Alpha Kappa Psi decide to don robes and read the oath of initiation by candlelight like this is Harry-freaking-Potter.

Sororities are even more mysterious than fraternities. Some say that their traditions have something to do with goat blood and figure-eights, but that's all just conjecture.

The Others

Other types of Greek organizations exist besides traditional fraternities and sororities.

There are co-ed service fraternities for groups like marching band or business school, which is a convenient way to ax the middleman of socials and parties and just get straight to the sex.

There are academic fraternities, which are something you join to pad your resume. Their sales pitch goes something like this: “Students, pay $85 for a T-shirt and a certificate and we’ll never bother you again!”

Finally, there are fraternities and sororities for minority groups, and although they claim persons of all races can join, their secret handshakes are way too complicated for whitey to understand. Freshmen, if you're near the Quad and you hear barking and stomping, don't be alarmed - chances are it's just the brothers of Phi Beta Sigma practicing their step routine, completely oblivious to how odd they look in top hats and satin suits. On an unrelated note, am I the only one who finds it amusing that they made Bill Clinton an honorary member?

Off-campus: Other Nightlife

2009-11-02T14:41:00.003-05:00

If you don't feel like going to the mainstream bars and clubs, you are a completely rational person and no one will question your logic. There are many other places where you can spend your Friday nights, and thankfully none of them require you to wear a Lacoste polo with the collar turned up.

The Indie Music Spot

Chances are there's actually some good local music to be had here, but you will have to very patient while you wade through rivers of shit first. It is perfectly acceptable to yell, "Hey douchebags, stop murdering my ears with your originals and play that cover of Cage the Elephant again". Another reason to go to one of these places is for the rocker chicks. Because as we all know, there is nothing hotter than a girl with pink streaks in her hair and a Led Zeppelin shirt that's two sizes too small... *drool*

One of the downsides of going here is that you will likely have to deal with the under-18 crowd. Yes, those people. The high school guys are all mop-top idiots who think they're cool because they smoke and know four strings of guitar. And the high school girls will only be interested in you if you're in the band, or if you're 21 and willing to buy them beer (it's not worth the risk fellas, really).

The Hookah Bar

Your new friends may suggest that you pay $15.95 a person to go suck flavored tobacco out of tubes together, and no, this is not a euphemism for something else. These places attract a certain kind of clientele, particularly the pseudo-hippie, left-leaning types. So if you voted for McCain don't bother showing up if you want to smoke in peace.

Drunk Bowling

If you live in a college town, there's probably a place that offers 99-cent drafts and laser bowling. You will quickly find that these two things do not go together well when your low score puts President Obama to shame. These places also attract a sizable non-student crowd, so you will likely encounter Joe Six-Pack and his buddies getting drunk. Hint: when they call you "college boy", it's not a compliment.

The Midnight Showing

College students are fond of heading en mass to see the first showing of the latest blockbuster piece of shit like Transformers or G.I. Joe. At the ticket counter, they will whine how the theater doesn't give a student ID discount, even though two-thirds of the town's residents are college students and this would be a stupid business practice. Once inside, they will sit in the front row and let out witty quips like "take it off" during the entire movie. They will also sneak alcohol into the theater, possibly out of an attempt to make Wolverine Origins more bearable.

Post-Grad: Med School

2009-10-26T20:42:00.001-04:00

Average first-year in med school

Many undergrads chose Pre-Med as their major out of their own unrealistic ambition or at the urging of their parents. They were laughed at by their peers, and by sophomore year they had flunked their way into something easier like Sociology or English.

However, the people before us now are the precious few who clawed their way into medical school, and they'll let you know they damn well earned it - they had to retake Organic Chemistry twice and blow their professor for a rec letter to get here.

Course Offerings

Does the med school building have more than one story? If so, make sure you look up when passing by, because the entire class is on permanent suicide watch.

Med school is known for its brutal course load that is the intellectual equivalent of feudal serfdom. So why does anyone do it? Don't fool yourself with the Hippocratic Oath and the desire to help others - it's obviously because they aspire to become filthy, filthy rich, drive a BMW 7-series, own a yacht, and then finally lose everything after a series of gross malpractice lawsuits.

Social Life

Socializing in med school is limited to beers in between anatomy chapters and consensual pity groping between two desperate people.

Be careful who you make "friends" with, because the average med student will kill your entire family and your dog to move up one step on the class ladder. However, the brutal competition is ultimately all in vain, because one student is actually a supernatural cyborg built for studying and does not need sleep, food, or pleasurable release. And his last name is probably Patel.

The Campus Bookstore

2009-10-20T00:19:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the campus bookstore. After spending an obscene amount of money on official NCAA clothing and eight textbooks, why not fill out a job application to help pay it off? While your cashier and future co-worker scurries off to find the hiring manager, feel free to leaf through Mother Jones or the other left-wing trash the bookstore peddles to students in its magazine section.

Nike Pro-Shop

You might be tempted to ask the employee behind the counter if you took a wrong turn and ended up in Sports Authority, but worry not - this is the bookstore. It's just that Nike or Reebok have a corporate deal with the school and the bookstore makes some serious Gs each month off of suckers like you.

Who wants a $75 throwback jersey from two decades ago when our team didn't suck? Oh look, a $27 pink baseball hat with the school logo for the girls, and a camo version for their boyfriends. Or maybe your dear old mother would like to advertise to everyone in the mall parking lot that she is indeed the "#1 Longhorn Mom" with a $34 license plate frame.

One-Stop Pharmacy

Some campus bookstores may feature a small pharmacy with such college dorm-room essentials like toothbrushes and deodorant. This is also the place where you can blow through your flex bucks on Plan B in a sweaty panic one night, because the bookstore sells birth control, hooray! If only your parents knew why they were putting more money in your student account, young lady. You will quickly realize, however, that you are truly paying a premium for convenience when everything costs 200 percent more than it would at Walgreens.

Textbooks

After picking up your game gear and school-colored condoms, you head over to the department where the bookstore actually gets its namesake.

Lo and behold, every other freshman is also enrolled in Biology 101, and to your horror there are no copies of the required text left on the shelf. You will go to the counter and badger the overworked student staff about the lack of books. You will be put on back order, which means you get to beg classmates to make photocopies of their books for the first two weeks of school. Finally, an employee goes in the back and digs up a hidden Biology book for you, possibly out of an attempt to shut you up, or maybe because you're a hot girl.

You will then discover that this book costs an outrageous $142 used and some jerk marked up half of it with six different highlighters. Then when the semester is over and you return to sell it back, they will tell you that they can only give you $30 because the book is in "poor condition". Or better yet, you will discover that the professor decided to change editions next year, which means they won't buy it back at all because 300 words might be different or something. During your fit of violent rage on an undeserving employee target, you might be unwisely asked if you would like to donate the book. The only appropriate response in such a situation is, "No you bastard, I would not, I want half its original value".

Well, consider this semester a costly learning experience. From now on, you will simply buy and sell all of your books on Half.com and get your team T-shirts from the local Walmart.

Off-campus: Bars and Clubs

2009-10-14T09:49:00.006-04:00

The best four years of your life

You've eagerly awaited college so you can finally go out whenever you want and make poor decisions without having to explain them to your parents. So after your folks wave a tearful goodbye, you round up the freshmen from your floor and head out to the club. Many hours later, after you avoid the campus police and stumble back to your dorm reeking of beer and cigarette smoke, you realize that the whole experience might be greatly overrated.

A Typical Night Out

After putting on your designer clubbing clothes that will soon be covered in beer, you head over to your friend Ryan's house to pregame. Once there, you meet up with three other guys dressed exactly like you. Your posse for the evening also includes someone we will refer to as Ms. Jaded Girl. This fine young lady has seen it all and done it all, and is consequently burnt out at the ripe old age of 22. She hovers from bar to bar with different groups of people, desperately hoping to find some bolt of lightning to strike her back to life, all the while lamenting the fact that four years of heavy liquor and sex with strangers has made her look old and tired. The crew tosses back energy drinks and Skyy vodka, and cheers enthusiastically when Ryan blows 0.20 on his pocket breathalyzer.

Once everyone is buzzed enough, you head out. Large amounts of time will be spent walking from venue to venue and waiting in line, because everyone apparently has ADHD and cannot stay in one bar or club for more than 30 minutes. The college bars you go to are filled with bros, and every single one is suddenly your best friend after he's had enough shots. People who would never acknowledge your presence sober will have no problem draping an arm over you and talking uncomfortably close to your face, as the combined smell of chew and Bud Light destroys your nostrils. Ryan hits 0.30 and goes to the bathroom to throw up.

You spend half your visit standing elbow-to-elbow with dozens of other people trying to get a drink at the bar, sweating buckets and wondering if the club is violating fire code. The bartenders at this venue are all guys, meaning they won't pay attention to you for at least 20 minutes because you don't have breasts. Around this part of the evening you might start thinking, "Wait, how is this fun?" When Brock McRoidson finally gets around to your Amstel Light, he looks miffed at your fifty cent tip. It is perfectly acceptable to tell him, "Listen 'bro', I'm not giving you a $1.50 for opening my beer, it takes two seconds".

The girls are putting on quite a show of T&A tonight, but before you get excited, unless you're man meat they're probably not interested. Chances are you and your buddies will do nothing and just huddle at a table, pointing out the girls and saying to each other, "she's a 6 out of 10, tops", "she has no butt, but I'd still hit it", and other things that would make mom proud. Then after an hour and a half of playing wallflower and building your liquid courage, you decide to try your hand at talking to the ladies. You quickly discover that the average club girl has an attention span of a mosquito on crack. Not that it matters; no one can hear you over the ribcage-vibrating FLO Rida (feat. T-Pain) anyway.

Then you're finally successful in keeping the attention of one young lass who is clearly drunk. Despite the fact that your "conversation" lasted all of five minutes, two of which were grinding, she gives you her number. You return triumphantly to your table and are greeted by high fives and fist pumps. However, the celebration is cut short when Ryan vomits again, this time all down the front of his shirt.

The club closes at 2 am thanks to a city ordinance voted into place by fascist geezers who don't want college kids trashing downtown until sunrise. The other guys leave to go to an apartment after-party where they will likely watch Ms. Jaded Girl hookup with some guy on the couch. You are stuck with dragging Ryan home, who just blew 0.38 and by all accounts should be dead.

The Aftermath

The next morning, as you nurse a raging hangover, you question why people do this every Thursday through Saturday night. Then you remember - because everyone else does it, and they don't want to be considered losers. After all, television and movies told you that these are supposed to be the best years of your life and you've got to party it up.

You decide to call the girl from the bar to see if she's going out again tonight. She doesn't pick up or call back, which is understandable because she has absolutely no clue who you are. The only person who calls you is Ryan, who announces that he crapped the bed while passed out. But don't worry, he'll still meet you at Whiskey Bar at 11:30 tonight.

The Stadium

2009-10-09T10:38:00.006-04:00

Two loyal fans at their finest hour

After suffering through five days of mind-numbing classes, Saturday is finally upon us, and that means one thing: glorious, glorious football. Each season brings fresh hope to college fans everywhere, except of course for the Trojans, who have come to terms with the fact that USC will choke their way to the Rose Bowl once again this year after inevitably losing to an unranked PAC-10 team.

If you go to school in the South, it is likely that gameday has a rich tradition dating back decades. However, chances are this so-called "pageantry" has been largely lost, or dumbed down by the current generation into an excuse by the frat brothers to wear dress shirts and ties with shorts while drinking Natty out of red cups.

The Facilities

Most schools have a dry stadium, but college students will be damned if they're going to spend three hours sober on a Saturday. You will observe other students and discover inventive ways of smuggling liquor into the stadium, such as miniature flasks stuffed in underwear and Ziploc bags full of vodka taped to someone's chest. Or if your ticket is seat-specific, you might come in the day before and hide a 4-ounce bottle of Wild Turkey, but you run the risk that a groundskeeper will find it and take it to his poker night.

You will never, ever be comfortable at a game, because there are only two weather possibilities. Possibility A is that it is one billion degrees out with no cloud cover. Enjoy the festive school colors running into your eyes if you painted your face, and come Monday morning you won't be able to carry your backpack to class thanks to a blistering sunburn. Possibility B is that it is freaking pouring, meaning you get to watch the rest of the game on TV in the stadium tunnel. A white-out game increases the likelihood of possibility B to 95 percent, resulting in an amusing/erotic sight.

Let's hope you didn't wear flip flops gentlemen, because the men's restroom is two inches deep with piss. One wall is nothing but urinals an inch apart, or even worse, there's just a giant trough fixed to the wall that everyone pees in together. And the drunks rubbing elbows with you on your right and left will insist on talking about that last pass and giving high fives. Ladies, halftime results in a bathroom line that will lap the stadium. Twice. If you really have to go, you'll start handing out your number to random guys as a bribe to sneak you into the men's room.

The Fans

There are three types of people you will stand next to at the game:

1) The sorority girls. Ms. Tri-Delt and Ms. Gamma Phi are at the game in all their glory, sporting sun dresses, $200 cockroach sunglasses, and cute little stickers of the school's mascot on their cheeks. They will spend the entire time whining about the heat, texting, and asking what a false start means. They will take twenty-five pictures of themselves facing away from the field, all of which will be posted to Facebook so their friends know they were at the game. At the end of the first quarter, they will leave to go to a bar, which begs the question why didn't they just sell their damn tickets to someone who actually cares.

2) The drunk fat guys. These guys will insist on taking their shirts off and screaming in your ear at every given opportunity. They will armchair quarterback the entire game, hurling valuable pieces of advice like "throw the freaking ball" and "get him". They will know all the fight songs and get pissed if you don't sing along. There is a 75 percent chance they will get ejected from the stadium before the 4th quarter.

3) The alumni. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Alumni decided to sit in the student section, which means you get to hear stories about how much the campus has changed since 1947. Or if Mr. and Mrs. Alumni are a younger couple, you get to be embarrassed the entire game after dropping your fourth f-bomb within earshot of their five year-old son.

Finally, should your team suck and lose a lot at home, you will have the opportunity to witness the indignity of certain fellow fans cussing out their own team as the players head for the tunnel, even though those beer-guzzling assholes can barely run a quarter-mile without having an asthma attack.

The Quad

2009-10-06T14:42:00.004-04:00

The Quad is a central place on most campus that you see the students lounging in the grass in all of those university brochures. And they do lounge, but what those brochures don't show you is the epic hellhole that the Quad becomes on a daily basis.

The Quad is traversed by most students on their way to class, but it's also where every dickwad with a cause comes to get in everyone's way and make them late for class. Many schools, especially in the South, feature one or more far-right Christian extremists preaching their hate speech with signs nailed to crosses or sung along to with a guitar. On your way to Chem 101, they will tell you that you are going to Hell because you are a fornicator. Then Mr. Neo-Fascist will attract a large crowd who vainly attempt to argue with him, and neither side realizes that they are blocking the way and pissing everyone else off.

Your Quad might also be blessed with artsy hippies peddling their beads, spirit catchers, and other garbage. And if you're fortunate, there will be Hare Krishnas. They will chant the same thing over and over while selling vegan-friendly food that smells worse than Indian takeout stuffed in a used diaper. And to top it all off, middle-class white kids who think they are anti-establishment because they wear bandannas and ride bicycles everywhere will stop to partake in the festivities. If you're lucky, they might even whip out a hacky-sack and accidentally kick it in your face.

When the time comes for student government elections, avoid the Quad at all costs. You will be bombarded by hundreds of damn fliers and petitions from every single student party and candidate. They will promise to increase student services and simultaneously promise to lower your activity fee, just like a real politician. Ultimately, all of this campaigning is a huge waste of time as the Greeks will win 90 percent of the Senate seats every semester because they threaten to beat their pledges if they don't vote. Almost no other students vote, because just like in American politics, it's your democratic right not to give a crap.

FYI: Bros. Like. This. Site.

2009-10-01T19:38:00.001-04:00

As an incoming college freshman, you will inevitably be exposed to the pervasive "bro" culture. Depending on your IQ level and gender, you will either: a) despise bros, b) try to be a bro, or c) get banged by a bro.

It is in your best interests to become familiar with your future enemies/heroes/STD-givers. Thus, I recommend this informative blog.

Off-campus: The Coffee Shop

2009-09-28T20:53:00.003-04:00

Second only to the library, the coffee shops near campus are a popular place for students to go and pretend to study.

A Case Study

Every one of these places will have a girl who's laid claim to a table with her psychology book, laptop, notebooks, and highlighters in six freaking colors.

She will then spend approximately 50 percent of her time on Facebook updating all 1,012 of her friends that she is at the coffee shop studying, 30 percent of her time texting, 10 percent of her time looking at tops on Forever21.com, and 10 percent of her time reading the same page in her textbook over and over.

Inevitably guys will show up at this coffee shop and notice said girl. Then they will either a) drink their coffee nearby and puss out, or b) engage in a pathetic attempt at conversation and then later make a request to be the girl's 1,013th friend on Facebook.

Where to Get Ripped Off

A student new to college might ask, "Where should I go for my coffee fix?" If you live in a college town like Athens or Ann Arbor, there will be approximately eight coffee places per block. Starbucks is the natural venue of choice for the average student. BTW, did you know their logo is a mermaid spreading her two tails behind her ears?

Liberal arts majors and "activist Annie" types will likely want to find a local mom and pop favorite that serves Fair Trade coffee, because they like to think they are helping Bolivian peasants by paying $1.50 more for the same thing.

The Library

2009-09-28T20:36:00.001-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, studying is the least of anyone's concern here. Every day, hundreds of students converge upon "Club [insert library name here]" to see and be seen. Seriously, all this place needs is some $3 jello shots and a bouncer and we'd be set.

Need to type a paper on the computers? Good luck dislodging Ms. Zeta Tau from her Facebook. She's set up camp with her double-cream iced latte, biology book, iPod, and best friend.

Need to use a group study room? Sorry, there's a two hour wait. And when you walk by, those assholes are playing Pictionary on the dry-erase board. Whine all you want, they can't hear you.

The best part is that these people will later Tweet, "so tired... spent 6 hrs in the lib lolz" to add to your misery.

Of course, you could always go on Friday night when it's not so crowded. There's the added bonus of feeling like you're on a study abroad trip because Friday nights at Club Library are half-off for foreign exchange students.

The Dining Hall

2009-09-28T18:25:00.004-04:00

In two hours they will be shitting their pants

Chances are your parents will be conned into buying you a meal plan during orientation by some spunky blond who goes on about the healthy food choices and diverse menus. It's all lies, and you'll be eating it three times a day for the next semester or until you get sick of it and just starting taking your meals at Moe's Southwest.

A Regrettable Feast

The food will be decent initially. In fact, it might even be good. But come mid-October you will wish your parents had given you that $1,500 to spend on Papa John's and Lunchables.

The pamphlets can scream organic fresh vegetables all they want, but more likely than not your food comes from Aramark or some other soulless food giant. When you sign up for a $7.59 all-you-can-eat buffet designed to feed several thousand students a day, you get what you pay for: pizza, pizza, and more pizza. Oh and taco night. There's a vegan-friendly corner? Enjoy eating mushroom burgers 6 out of 7 nights of the week, because these culinary geniuses only know how to make meatloaf and easy mac.

Any food worth eating will instantly result in a fifty-person line, and after you wait 15 minutes and notice the pork roast is getting kinda thin, you will give up and just go make yourself a PB&J.

Culinary Indifference

The staff will be a motley crew of fellow students and ex-McDonald's employees, neither of which knows how to cook. Your food will be burnt, undercooked, and drowned in spices to make up for its prepackaged blandness. And God forbid one of them should forget to wash their hands, because you just might vomit 11 times in twenty-four hours thanks to what the Student Health Center doctor called "food poisoning from fecal fluids".

Expect a revolving door of cooks and cleaning staff, because no one stays there long. If you're a guy there will likely be a smoking hot Spanish girl on staff who you ogle with your buddies and fantasize about rescuing from her $8 an hour job - that is, until she brings her three year-old to work.

Takeout

On the upside, you will get to see the curious sight of students stealing food they already paid for, employing simultaneously the most ingenious and ridiculous methods. We're talking about stuffing chicken nuggets into hoodies, "accidentally" knocking raw vegetables and entire loafs of bread into open backpacks, and squeezing ketchup into Ziploc bags. (Students are also fond of swiping great deals of bent silverware and chipped plates, as any trip to a dorm room will reveal.)

The Dorms

2009-09-28T17:54:00.009-04:00

This is why you wear shower shoes

Your first exposure to real college life will be the dormitories, unless you are a commuter student who took the wussy route and lives with Mommy and Daddy. Many a college freshman is excited to live in the dorms because of all of the crazy crap they hear about. And crazy crap does happen, but what you don't hear stories about is the inane drudgery of living in the dorms.

Lodging

The standard dorm is a double, which means you and your new roomie have approximately 12 x 15 feet to share. This equals ZERO privacy. Those of you who were an only child or had your own room growing up will particularly suffer. You will have to watch when you fart, you will have to go to the bathroom to change your undies, you will live in constant fear that your roommate will suddenly walk in when you are doing something embarrassing like pleasuring yourself or watching Grey's Anatomy without a girl forcing you do.

Your furnishings include a desk with one or more drawings of a penis, a dresser with drawers that stick, and the required blue or purple curtains. Your single bed is twice as long as it is wide so the campus bookstore can scam you into buying special extra-long sheets.

On the plus side, the narrow ass bed provides a ready-made excuse for all of you who decide to be sluts/manwhores and want to kick out your partner after disappointing, drunken sex.

Lets hope you don't have 8am classes, because you will NEVER sleep soundly. There are always some assholes playing drunk Mario Kart next door or girls talking loudly on their cell phones in the hallway. And no matter where you go to school, the dorm doors will weigh 1000 lbs and slam with bone-crunching noise, and the dorm walls will be made of rice paper.

Shared Experiences

The communal bathroom on your floor will always have these three features: too few stalls, missing shower curtains, and for some inexplicable reason, a tub. Don't use the tub.

You will have numerous memorable first-time experiences in the dorm bathrooms.

Nothing says "freakin' awesome" liking having to run down the stairs with number 2 crowning in your pants because the toilets are all occupied on your floor.

Nothing says "what the hell dude" like finding the broski on your floor shaving his legs over the sink.

Nothing says "that's disgusting" like finding a milk carton full of piss in the bathroom the morning after everyone goes out.

Unsocial Events

Despite what your RA says, organized dorm socials are for losers. Your floor is having a Super Smash tournament? Expect the heavyset, glasses-wearing crowd who quote 4chan and drink Bawls. Your hall is having a Halloween party? Only the RAs and some timid, unattractive girls in kitty cat costumes will be there. All the cool guys and the hot girls are out getting hammered and getting citations for Minors In Possession.