The Gym

Your university likely spent a lot of effort advertising their fitness facilities during applications, and reinforced its features at summer orientation. In fact, those bastards did such a good job marketing it that the packed gym puts the streets of Tokyo to shame.

It really doesn't matter when you go either. At opening time there's the obnoxious morning freaks ready for their daily 5-mile run, followed by the in-between classes people all day. At 5 pm the massive glut begins; you might even see your Western Civ professor in there trying to do some lats. Then in the evening, the bros come out to get their curl on so they can look jacked before they depart to the bars.

The racquetball courts are all three-days deep in call ahead reservations. The martial arts room is being used by nerds slapping each other with kendo sticks while pretending they are samurai. And the indoor pool is always occupied by the swim team, then water polo, then underwater-freaking-aerobics class.

Pink 5 lb Dumbbells

The cardio room at your gym will be nearly exclusively populated by girls, because cardio is like poison to meatheads. If you are a guy, enjoy the visual feast of girls in their skin tight leggings. They wear them because they want you to notice. If you are a girl, prepare to be ogled and hit on, even when you're on the treadmill. If you wanted to be left alone so you could focus on your workout, then you shouldn't have worn booty shorts and went on the leg curl machine.

Should you ladies decide for some reason that you want to attend one of those fad-of-the-month exercise classes, you will likely have to go to gym at 7am to sign up for a space ticket, then get there an hour before the class starts to get the ticket that allows you to stand in line for the class. You might still not get in. If this reminds you of rationing in Cold War-era Russia, this is natural.

"Bitches Dig teh Biceps, Broseph"

When you decide to venture over to the free weights, prepare for an ocular assault of deformed meatheads with chicken legs and arms that look like they have side jobs smuggling fruit in their biceps.

You will have to wait patiently for Mr. Beta Pi to bench press 175 pounds while lifting his ass two feet in the air and bouncing the bar off his chest like a trampoline. Then, he will proceed to do curls in the squat rack for no apparent reason. All while wearing a shirt that advertises some shitty Woodser his frat put together and that has the sleeves cut down to his belt line so you can see his armpit hair.

For the uninitiated, the following topics of conversation are acceptable among college males at the gym: protein shakes, UFC, and how many PBRs you downed last night.


Despite all of the challenges presented above, a wise and patient student will still go to the gym. After all, your fat ass has to work off all the empty calories from your twice-weekly alcohol binge.

News Update: Students Rave Over New Call of Duty Game

Walmarts and Best Buys around the nation saw record numbers of college students lining up to purchase the latest must-have video game, Call of Duty: Medieval Warfare.

Players take the role of noble knights and peasant rabble wielding low-tech weapons such as spears and crossbows in Capture the Princess, Search and Crucify, and other exciting gameplay modes.

"Bro, I love the broadsword- it's so awesome when you can take some dude's head off in one blow", said Brock Miller of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Miller and his friends had been lined up outside the local EB Games since 10am Tuesday, sustained by a supply of Red Bull and beef jerky.

The popular kill streak bonuses return in this latest installment. For example, 3 kills launches a scout from a catapult who screams out enemy positions before he slams into the side of a hill, and 5 kills allows the player to call in a storm of arrows from off-screen.

CoD: Medieval Warfare has drawn considerable criticism from politicians and media watchdog groups, none of whom have actually played the game. Much of the criticism was due to a level where the player takes control of a Viking raider who participates in the massacre and rape of a peaceful French hamlet. Developer Infinity Ward commented, "We were simply trying to convey that the medieval world was a violent place. We're confident that gamers will not grow red beards, carry battle axes, and proceed to violate the hot girl next door after playing our game." Their statement also said that an option to skip this scene is available for certain players that one IW programmer called, "lemon-scented liberal pussies".

The game received high scores across the board from gaming magazines and websites. In its review, Gamespot awarded Medieval Warfare a perfect 10.0 and wrote, "The extreme hype prefacing this game had nothing to do with our score. Even though the single-player game lasts a record-low 2.5 hours, the realistic graphics alone make it worth the $59.99."

The primary draw of Medieval Warfare is the burgeoning online multiplayer experience. Will Johnson of Ithaca, NY said, "I use the Jihad perk which gives me extra health and all the noobs whine about it. God I love pwning 12 year-olds on Xbox Live." Some complained about the lack of balance, as the crossbow allowed inexperienced players to kill hardcore paladin knights in one shot. Apparently these people have never heard of Richard the Lionhearted.

Despite gameplay issues and the controversy, Medieval Warfare has already sold 500,000 copies and is expected to sell a billion more by the end of the year, single-handedly ending the recession.

Greek Row

Because university students back in the day were all upper-class white people, they had to develop a way to separate the “cool kids" from everyone else. Thus Greek organizations were born, and this completely arbitrary form of segregation continues to present day.

Brotherhood, Sisterhood

Congratulations on getting into State University, Brett Thurgood III. Since you’re a legacy admit, grandpa expects you to join the fraternity he was a member of in 1926 and carry on the family tradition of paddling other men and being hammered six days out of the week.

Frats are famous for hosting some seriously kickass keggers at the house. But before you get excited, if you're not Greek or you don't have a vagina, you're not invited.

In addition to parties, Greeks are fond of hosting philanthropy events in an attempt to convince their parents and the administration that they do something other than get smashed. While certainly noble in theory, one has to question events like smashing watermelons to raise money for a local food bank. The brothers of Lambda Chi were likely passed out and thus failed to notice the irony.

If you’re a girl and think you’re hot, you will want to pledge a sorority. Nothing says “you can’t have this” to guys, and “I’m better than you” to other girls quite like stamping three Greek letters to your shirt, bag, and hat.

Greeks dominate the politics of most universities, largely due to the fact that they are the only students who care enough to vote in elections. Your student government can claim that they represent the student body, but the senate will be 90 percent Greek even though Greeks only make up 15 percent of the school. Fearing social pariah status among their peers, Greek senators will vote in a giant bloc strictly along party lines, a practice they will carry forward when they graduate and actually become Republican politicians.

Tradition

Greek organizations are widely known as the precursors for admittance to shadow groups like Skull & Bones and the Illuminati. Thus, they naturally have secret rituals that one who is not a member can only guess wildly about.

Why are the Betas taking their pledges to a roadside ditch 20 miles outside of town? And what the hell are the brothers of SAE doing when they hold hands around their lion statue at 7am on a Sunday morning? If you are thinking about pledging, note that you will be asked to leave if you can’t keep a straight face when the elders of Alpha Kappa Psi decide to don robes and read the oath of initiation by candlelight like this is Harry-freaking-Potter.

Sororities are even more mysterious than fraternities. Some say that their traditions have something to do with goat blood and figure-eights, but that's all just conjecture.

The Others

Other types of Greek organizations exist besides traditional fraternities and sororities.

There are co-ed service fraternities for groups like marching band or business school, which is a convenient way to ax the middleman of socials and parties and just get straight to the sex.

There are academic fraternities, which are something you join to pad your resume. Their sales pitch goes something like this: “Students, pay $85 for a T-shirt and a certificate and we’ll never bother you again!”

Finally, there are fraternities and sororities for minority groups, and although they claim persons of all races can join, their secret handshakes are way too complicated for whitey to understand. Freshmen, if you're near the Quad and you hear barking and stomping, don't be alarmed - chances are it's just the brothers of Phi Beta Sigma practicing their step routine, completely oblivious to how odd they look in top hats and satin suits. On an unrelated note, am I the only one who finds it amusing that they made Bill Clinton an honorary member?