Off-campus: Themed House Parties

Once upon a time at a party in some college town, some kids were sitting around the keg and thinking. They decided that while this beer tasted good, and the music was nice, what would make this party a million times better is... costumes.

You login to Facebook one afternoon and see five event invitations. After declining to attend to the Autism Awareness 5k Fun Run and an Investment Club Social, you find invites to three house parties, each with a different theme.

Toga Party

Ever since you were ten, the media has told you that college is going to be off-the-chain awesome all the time. They even made a movie about it called Animal House. Besides littering dorm rooms nationwide with posters of ugly-as-sin Jim Belushi, this cinematic masterpiece gave us the toga party.

How amazingly original, you think upon reading the invite, but after looking at the guest list you notice half your friends and that one hot girl from sociology class are going. You then realize that none of your sheets are white. You don't feel like going to campus bookstore and pissing away $49.99 on another set of extra long sheets for your dorm bed just so you can go to a toga party. What else can work?

After some hard work and ingenuity, you arrive at the party. Everyone is looking at you, possibly because using some safety pins, you managed to MacGyver a white bath towel and two white sleeping shirts into a toga. And you looking absolutely ridiculous.

Naughty Office Party

Also known as a "CEOs and corporate hoes" party, this theme is particularly popular with business students and other professional majors. This party exists for one reason, and one reason only: to give guys opportunity to try and fulfill every office-porno fantasy ever. One girl will clearly outdo them all when she arrives in nothing but jaw-dropping black panties, a suit jacket, and black pantyhose.

Gentlemen will be expected to wear shirts and ties, or in some cases, a suit. You will party hard, of course, and some time around your fourth shot you will forget you are wearing a suit. You will only remember this fact the next day when you receive your dry cleaning bill thanks to all of the spilled beer and chip dip. And did some asshole burn a hole in your jacket with a cigarette?!

Stoplight Party

Your final invite is for a stoplight party. Your host explains that you are to wear a piece of clothing in one of three color choices: green if you are single, yellow if it's complicated, and red if you are taken. You will likely think to yourself, what better opportunity than this exists to mix alcohol and social humiliation?

You are obviously very single, but don't rush for your green shirt just yet. If you wear green, everyone will think you are a desperate loser who can't get a date. If you wear red, not only are you full of it, you might miss out on the fun. Yellow could work, but that's still bullshitting it. Against your better judgment, you decide to be honest and don your green shirt.

Lo and behold, at the party almost no one is wearing green. Awesome, now you look like a total tool. Either everyone but you is getting it, or this party is full of liars. You start for the keg, but then turn to flee when you notice a girl with the face of a troll is already there filling her cup. Run faster, maybe she didn't- awww no, it's too late. She's noticed you, and guess what- she's wearing GREEN.

After you peel yourself away from that awkward conversation, you head for the kitchen. In there, a bunch of girls in yellow are swooning over some dickwad wearing a red Chicago Bulls jacket, who smirks triumphantly in your direction. They're obviously thinking that he must be taken for a good reason, and that you must be single for a different, but equally good reason. Hiding your jealousy, you go to the living room where you notice a girl in red sitting on her boyfriend's lap, and all the time she's definitely giving you the look- you know the one that says "don't you wish you could have this" along with a coy smile.


Reminder: A good party shouldn't even need a premise in the first place, and there are always plenty of those to bounce to if you ever find yourself in one you don't want to be in.

The Gym

Your university likely spent a lot of effort advertising their fitness facilities during applications, and reinforced its features at summer orientation. In fact, those bastards did such a good job marketing it that the packed gym puts the streets of Tokyo to shame.

It really doesn't matter when you go either. At opening time there's the obnoxious morning freaks ready for their daily 5-mile run, followed by the in-between classes people all day. At 5 pm the massive glut begins; you might even see your Western Civ professor in there trying to do some lats. Then in the evening, the bros come out to get their curl on so they can look jacked before they depart to the bars.

The racquetball courts are all three-days deep in call ahead reservations. The martial arts room is being used by nerds slapping each other with kendo sticks while pretending they are samurai. And the indoor pool is always occupied by the swim team, then water polo, then underwater-freaking-aerobics class.

Pink 5 lb Dumbbells

The cardio room at your gym will be nearly exclusively populated by girls, because cardio is like poison to meatheads. If you are a guy, enjoy the visual feast of girls in their skin tight leggings. They wear them because they want you to notice. If you are a girl, prepare to be ogled and hit on, even when you're on the treadmill. If you wanted to be left alone so you could focus on your workout, then you shouldn't have worn booty shorts and went on the leg curl machine.

Should you ladies decide for some reason that you want to attend one of those fad-of-the-month exercise classes, you will likely have to go to gym at 7am to sign up for a space ticket, then get there an hour before the class starts to get the ticket that allows you to stand in line for the class. You might still not get in. If this reminds you of rationing in Cold War-era Russia, this is natural.

"Bitches Dig teh Biceps, Broseph"

When you decide to venture over to the free weights, prepare for an ocular assault of deformed meatheads with chicken legs and arms that look like they have side jobs smuggling fruit in their biceps.

You will have to wait patiently for Mr. Beta Pi to bench press 175 pounds while lifting his ass two feet in the air and bouncing the bar off his chest like a trampoline. Then, he will proceed to do curls in the squat rack for no apparent reason. All while wearing a shirt that advertises some shitty Woodser his frat put together and that has the sleeves cut down to his belt line so you can see his armpit hair.

For the uninitiated, the following topics of conversation are acceptable among college males at the gym: protein shakes, UFC, and how many PBRs you downed last night.


Despite all of the challenges presented above, a wise and patient student will still go to the gym. After all, your fat ass has to work off all the empty calories from your twice-weekly alcohol binge.

News Update: Students Rave Over New Call of Duty Game

Walmarts and Best Buys around the nation saw record numbers of college students lining up to purchase the latest must-have video game, Call of Duty: Medieval Warfare.

Players take the role of noble knights and peasant rabble wielding low-tech weapons such as spears and crossbows in Capture the Princess, Search and Crucify, and other exciting gameplay modes.

"Bro, I love the broadsword- it's so awesome when you can take some dude's head off in one blow", said Brock Miller of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Miller and his friends had been lined up outside the local EB Games since 10am Tuesday, sustained by a supply of Red Bull and beef jerky.

The popular kill streak bonuses return in this latest installment. For example, 3 kills launches a scout from a catapult who screams out enemy positions before he slams into the side of a hill, and 5 kills allows the player to call in a storm of arrows from off-screen.

CoD: Medieval Warfare has drawn considerable criticism from politicians and media watchdog groups, none of whom have actually played the game. Much of the criticism was due to a level where the player takes control of a Viking raider who participates in the massacre and rape of a peaceful French hamlet. Developer Infinity Ward commented, "We were simply trying to convey that the medieval world was a violent place. We're confident that gamers will not grow red beards, carry battle axes, and proceed to violate the hot girl next door after playing our game." Their statement also said that an option to skip this scene is available for certain players that one IW programmer called, "lemon-scented liberal pussies".

The game received high scores across the board from gaming magazines and websites. In its review, Gamespot awarded Medieval Warfare a perfect 10.0 and wrote, "The extreme hype prefacing this game had nothing to do with our score. Even though the single-player game lasts a record-low 2.5 hours, the realistic graphics alone make it worth the $59.99."

The primary draw of Medieval Warfare is the burgeoning online multiplayer experience. Will Johnson of Ithaca, NY said, "I use the Jihad perk which gives me extra health and all the noobs whine about it. God I love pwning 12 year-olds on Xbox Live." Some complained about the lack of balance, as the crossbow allowed inexperienced players to kill hardcore paladin knights in one shot. Apparently these people have never heard of Richard the Lionhearted.

Despite gameplay issues and the controversy, Medieval Warfare has already sold 500,000 copies and is expected to sell a billion more by the end of the year, single-handedly ending the recession.