The Dorms

This is why you wear shower shoes

Your first exposure to real college life will be the dormitories, unless you are a commuter student who took the wussy route and lives with Mommy and Daddy. Many a college freshman is excited to live in the dorms because of all of the crazy crap they hear about. And crazy crap does happen, but what you don't hear stories about is the inane drudgery of living in the dorms.

Lodging

The standard dorm is a double, which means you and your new roomie have approximately 12 x 15 feet to share. This equals ZERO privacy. Those of you who were an only child or had your own room growing up will particularly suffer. You will have to watch when you fart, you will have to go to the bathroom to change your undies, you will live in constant fear that your roommate will suddenly walk in when you are doing something embarrassing like pleasuring yourself or watching Grey's Anatomy without a girl forcing you do.

Your furnishings include a desk with one or more drawings of a penis, a dresser with drawers that stick, and the required blue or purple curtains. Your single bed is twice as long as it is wide so the campus bookstore can scam you into buying special extra-long sheets.

On the plus side, the narrow ass bed provides a ready-made excuse for all of you who decide to be sluts/manwhores and want to kick out your partner after disappointing, drunken sex.

Lets hope you don't have 8am classes, because you will NEVER sleep soundly. There are always some assholes playing drunk Mario Kart next door or girls talking loudly on their cell phones in the hallway. And no matter where you go to school, the dorm doors will weigh 1000 lbs and slam with bone-crunching noise, and the dorm walls will be made of rice paper.

Shared Experiences

The communal bathroom on your floor will always have these three features: too few stalls, missing shower curtains, and for some inexplicable reason, a tub. Don't use the tub.

You will have numerous memorable first-time experiences in the dorm bathrooms.

Nothing says "freakin' awesome" liking having to run down the stairs with number 2 crowning in your pants because the toilets are all occupied on your floor.

Nothing says "what the hell dude" like finding the broski on your floor shaving his legs over the sink.

Nothing says "that's disgusting" like finding a milk carton full of piss in the bathroom the morning after everyone goes out.

Unsocial Events

Despite what your RA says, organized dorm socials are for losers. Your floor is having a Super Smash tournament? Expect the heavyset, glasses-wearing crowd who quote 4chan and drink Bawls. Your hall is having a Halloween party? Only the RAs and some timid, unattractive girls in kitty cat costumes will be there. All the cool guys and the hot girls are out getting hammered and getting citations for Minors In Possession.