The Gym

Your university likely spent a lot of effort advertising their fitness facilities during applications, and reinforced its features at summer orientation. In fact, those bastards did such a good job marketing it that the packed gym puts the streets of Tokyo to shame.

It really doesn't matter when you go either. At opening time there's the obnoxious morning freaks ready for their daily 5-mile run, followed by the in-between classes people all day. At 5 pm the massive glut begins; you might even see your Western Civ professor in there trying to do some lats. Then in the evening, the bros come out to get their curl on so they can look jacked before they depart to the bars.

The racquetball courts are all three-days deep in call ahead reservations. The martial arts room is being used by nerds slapping each other with kendo sticks while pretending they are samurai. And the indoor pool is always occupied by the swim team, then water polo, then underwater-freaking-aerobics class.

Pink 5 lb Dumbbells

The cardio room at your gym will be nearly exclusively populated by girls, because cardio is like poison to meatheads. If you are a guy, enjoy the visual feast of girls in their skin tight leggings. They wear them because they want you to notice. If you are a girl, prepare to be ogled and hit on, even when you're on the treadmill. If you wanted to be left alone so you could focus on your workout, then you shouldn't have worn booty shorts and went on the leg curl machine.

Should you ladies decide for some reason that you want to attend one of those fad-of-the-month exercise classes, you will likely have to go to gym at 7am to sign up for a space ticket, then get there an hour before the class starts to get the ticket that allows you to stand in line for the class. You might still not get in. If this reminds you of rationing in Cold War-era Russia, this is natural.

"Bitches Dig teh Biceps, Broseph"

When you decide to venture over to the free weights, prepare for an ocular assault of deformed meatheads with chicken legs and arms that look like they have side jobs smuggling fruit in their biceps.

You will have to wait patiently for Mr. Beta Pi to bench press 175 pounds while lifting his ass two feet in the air and bouncing the bar off his chest like a trampoline. Then, he will proceed to do curls in the squat rack for no apparent reason. All while wearing a shirt that advertises some shitty Woodser his frat put together and that has the sleeves cut down to his belt line so you can see his armpit hair.

For the uninitiated, the following topics of conversation are acceptable among college males at the gym: protein shakes, UFC, and how many PBRs you downed last night.


Despite all of the challenges presented above, a wise and patient student will still go to the gym. After all, your fat ass has to work off all the empty calories from your twice-weekly alcohol binge.