Off-campus: Other Nightlife

If you don't feel like going to the mainstream bars and clubs, you are a completely rational person and no one will question your logic. There are many other places where you can spend your Friday nights, and thankfully none of them require you to wear a Lacoste polo with the collar turned up.

The Indie Music Spot

Chances are there's actually some good local music to be had here, but you will have to very patient while you wade through rivers of shit first. It is perfectly acceptable to yell, "Hey douchebags, stop murdering my ears with your originals and play that cover of Cage the Elephant again". Another reason to go to one of these places is for the rocker chicks. Because as we all know, there is nothing hotter than a girl with pink streaks in her hair and a Led Zeppelin shirt that's two sizes too small... *drool*

One of the downsides of going here is that you will likely have to deal with the under-18 crowd. Yes, those people. The high school guys are all mop-top idiots who think they're cool because they smoke and know four strings of guitar. And the high school girls will only be interested in you if you're in the band, or if you're 21 and willing to buy them beer (it's not worth the risk fellas, really).

The Hookah Bar

Your new friends may suggest that you pay $15.95 a person to go suck flavored tobacco out of tubes together, and no, this is not a euphemism for something else. These places attract a certain kind of clientele, particularly the pseudo-hippie, left-leaning types. So if you voted for McCain don't bother showing up if you want to smoke in peace.

Drunk Bowling

If you live in a college town, there's probably a place that offers 99-cent drafts and laser bowling. You will quickly find that these two things do not go together well when your low score puts President Obama to shame. These places also attract a sizable non-student crowd, so you will likely encounter Joe Six-Pack and his buddies getting drunk. Hint: when they call you "college boy", it's not a compliment.

The Midnight Showing

College students are fond of heading en mass to see the first showing of the latest blockbuster piece of shit like Transformers or G.I. Joe. At the ticket counter, they will whine how the theater doesn't give a student ID discount, even though two-thirds of the town's residents are college students and this would be a stupid business practice. Once inside, they will sit in the front row and let out witty quips like "take it off" during the entire movie. They will also sneak alcohol into the theater, possibly out of an attempt to make Wolverine Origins more bearable.