Greek Row

Because university students back in the day were all upper-class white people, they had to develop a way to separate the “cool kids" from everyone else. Thus Greek organizations were born, and this completely arbitrary form of segregation continues to present day.

Brotherhood, Sisterhood

Congratulations on getting into State University, Brett Thurgood III. Since you’re a legacy admit, grandpa expects you to join the fraternity he was a member of in 1926 and carry on the family tradition of paddling other men and being hammered six days out of the week.

Frats are famous for hosting some seriously kickass keggers at the house. But before you get excited, if you're not Greek or you don't have a vagina, you're not invited.

In addition to parties, Greeks are fond of hosting philanthropy events in an attempt to convince their parents and the administration that they do something other than get smashed. While certainly noble in theory, one has to question events like smashing watermelons to raise money for a local food bank. The brothers of Lambda Chi were likely passed out and thus failed to notice the irony.

If you’re a girl and think you’re hot, you will want to pledge a sorority. Nothing says “you can’t have this” to guys, and “I’m better than you” to other girls quite like stamping three Greek letters to your shirt, bag, and hat.

Greeks dominate the politics of most universities, largely due to the fact that they are the only students who care enough to vote in elections. Your student government can claim that they represent the student body, but the senate will be 90 percent Greek even though Greeks only make up 15 percent of the school. Fearing social pariah status among their peers, Greek senators will vote in a giant bloc strictly along party lines, a practice they will carry forward when they graduate and actually become Republican politicians.

Tradition

Greek organizations are widely known as the precursors for admittance to shadow groups like Skull & Bones and the Illuminati. Thus, they naturally have secret rituals that one who is not a member can only guess wildly about.

Why are the Betas taking their pledges to a roadside ditch 20 miles outside of town? And what the hell are the brothers of SAE doing when they hold hands around their lion statue at 7am on a Sunday morning? If you are thinking about pledging, note that you will be asked to leave if you can’t keep a straight face when the elders of Alpha Kappa Psi decide to don robes and read the oath of initiation by candlelight like this is Harry-freaking-Potter.

Sororities are even more mysterious than fraternities. Some say that their traditions have something to do with goat blood and figure-eights, but that's all just conjecture.

The Others

Other types of Greek organizations exist besides traditional fraternities and sororities.

There are co-ed service fraternities for groups like marching band or business school, which is a convenient way to ax the middleman of socials and parties and just get straight to the sex.

There are academic fraternities, which are something you join to pad your resume. Their sales pitch goes something like this: “Students, pay $85 for a T-shirt and a certificate and we’ll never bother you again!”

Finally, there are fraternities and sororities for minority groups, and although they claim persons of all races can join, their secret handshakes are way too complicated for whitey to understand. Freshmen, if you're near the Quad and you hear barking and stomping, don't be alarmed - chances are it's just the brothers of Phi Beta Sigma practicing their step routine, completely oblivious to how odd they look in top hats and satin suits. On an unrelated note, am I the only one who finds it amusing that they made Bill Clinton an honorary member?